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Late Night Thoughts

It’s just another one of those nights where I can’t seem to just let my mind rest. It’s frustrating. Even just sad, that I cannot simply shut my eyes and drift off to sleep. And it’s dark here with one lamp on, and I keep looking at the door coz I hear weird sounds outside. The floors are creaking and I can’t help but think of zombie movies. Yeah. Now you can definitely see that I must be needing sleep. Well, might as well just continue to pour out my thoughts as I slowly get tired and drag myself to bed. 

I have been noticing recently, that I can’t seem to deal with my trust issues. I mean, I’ve known that I had issues with trusting people, but lately…it’s just getting a little too much. Past events have taught me to put up my guard and keep myself isolated from certain people, so to speak. But, to be honest, no matter how hard I try, to avoid…to let go…to move on…it just gets harder and harder each time. I don’t know what the deal is when it comes to moving on and letting go. I hold grudges. I can’t let go. I just can’t.

So, I finally started to trust people. However, I was so naive to think that they weren’t going to betray me. But, in the end, it’s always the same thing. They do. Now, is it just habit to betray people? To hurt people and to feel good about doing it? I don’t know what’s wrong with people lately. I don’t even know what I’m rambling on about now. But, I’m starting to smell smoke. Either someone is cooking in the apartment next door, or I better be prepared just in case. Well, anyways…my mind is still wandering. And I hate it when my mind just keeps thinking and thinking. It starts to dig into past feelings and past events…and I hate going back to the past. But somehow, it creeps back to me. 

Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough. Lately, I have been feeling down. I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel good. When I see girls of my age pass me by on the streets, with their short shorts and model bodies, I become envious. But mostly, I become sad with myself. Why don’t I look like them? Why am I like this? And my low self-esteem comes back to haunt me once again. After giving birth, there have been a lot of changes. I’m talking mostly about my body. I’ve been plagued with fatigue and I constantly stare at myself in the mirror and ask myself, “What does he see in me?” and “What makes them think I’m beautiful?”. I do not see any of that in myself. And I feel like I always have to compete to look good with other women. I’m afraid. I can hardly even say it outloud, let alone type it down, but I’m afraid.

I don’t know what’s going on in your head. I don’t know if what you say is true. You tell me that I have to believe, but for some reason, I just can’t. And once again, my issues with trust, plays a big role on that. I want to be able to feel happy. I want to be able to keep a big smile on my face for more than just a few minutes. I don’t want to be full of hate and envy. I don’t want to turn into a monster that you must chain up and leave in some basement.  I don’t want you to betray me. I don’t want you to lie. I don’t want you to continue looking into my eyes and say “Don’t give up” and not mean it. I want to feel like I can trust you. I want to know that I can confide with you about my deepest, darkest secrets. I want to break down these walls and breathe free. I want you to be honest with me and love me for who I am, unconditionally. I don’t want to keep thinking and thinking for hours, in the late hours of the night, twisting and turning, and worrying and end up crying myself to sleep. I don’t want these tears to keep pouring out. Don’t you? Don’t you want me to be happy? Do you want what’s best for me? Don’t you want me to be loved? I’m trying my best to find the road to happiness and success. But I don’t know. Because I’m tired. I’m just so tired…

Pissed.

You know, it really does frustrate me a bit, to find out how someone that “cares” about me, would still be keeping in contact with dumb bitches and fake ass people. Even just still having a “friendship” with them on facebook. If you TRULY understood the reason why you shouldn’t be, in any way, shape or form, and STILL be a “friend”/”acquaintace” to them…then you best be known that something will happen. And it’s not going to be good. At all.

Book studio time with Nick Gardino @ New Royalty Records

Me, laying down my guitar track for one of my originals, at New Royalty Records 

Hello everyone. This site consists of my personal experiences written in word. It also consists of my reviews of different bands, musicians, poets, artists and as well as producers and engineers I have had the pleasure of getting to know. As I have written a post about two bands; DIgamY & Jump For The Sails, I am here to share my review about a certain music producer/engineer.

His name is Nick Gardino and he is the recording engineer/studio manager/owner of New Royalty Records. His studio in Farmingdale, NY, is one of the best studios I have ever had the chance of recording in. He and his staff will guarantee you the BEST final product. His rates and policies are very accomodating to anyone who is interested in recording in a studio for a great price.  As some of you artists (including myself) have encountered very pricey studio time, he offers discounts and specials that I highly recommend you taking. New Royalty Records has many things that will get your creative juices flowing; from the great artwork hanging on the walls to the graffiti painted walls in the LIVE ROOM where you record. The CONTROL ROOM, where you edit your tracks and take a listen, is very comforting as well. Right when you meet the staff, you already feel welcome. Downstairs of the studio, there is a little living area that has a couch and a kitchenette to drink some tea or coffee and even have a little snack. What more can you ask for? And right now, there is a special for NEW booking artists: 1st hour FREE when booking 3 hours. It’s $30/hour and there are other prices you can check out in his site.

Now, if you’re interested in hearing samples and any other information about his studio, please check his site out @ http://www.newroyaltyrecords.com and contact him @ Booking@NewRoyaltyRecords.com. All the information you need, is on that site. So, if you’re an artist who is interested in recording your originals, covers and other pieces, or if you’re a band who is interested in creating their album with amazing sound quality, what are you waiting for?! GO AHEAD AND BOOK YOUR STUDIO TIME @ NEW ROYALTY RECORDS NOW!

If you’d like to hear my tracks that were recorded at New Royalty Records, please check it out @ http://www.facebook.com/themarydesiree and click on the SOUNDCLOUD tab. The songs that were recorded were my originals “THE WAY I AM” & “BETTER”.

Once again, I recommend this studio to anyone in the New York area, who is willing to record at a homely studio for a GREAT price and amazing quality. Enjoy listening to his produced tracks from different artists and I hope to hear that you will be booking studio time with NRY as well.

A Poem For All of You

There is an image you are trying to sell
Of the woman in this world you know so well
Throughout the years, that image has been corrupted
By the lies and false hope you have implanted
Unto the minds of a little child
That they have to grow up without an open mind
The right to not have the right to speak
But tell me,
Without a voice, what life is there to live?

Where can I go and not feel like
I’m a deep burden to be in someone else’s life?
Is it that bothersome to have a say in things
Does it really make me look like I’m insecure, like you say it is?
You tell me I can’t speak my heart out
And vent the frustrations in my head?
Who gives YOU the right to tell me what should be done
Or what should be said
When no one in this world can step into my shoes
And see through my eyes and understand
How it is to live in a world as a woman
Who doesn’t want to be a stepford wife
To stay at home and always satisfy
And wait for the man to come home
And live for nothing but another person’s life

The raw emotions that come out as an insult,
A vulgar thought, a knock in the head
Doesn’t come out as easily as you think it’s said
When you are limited to not speak your mind
When you are told to always be a step behind
When all you want is to be heard
Enough with this bullshit, you’re just feeding me dirt

Cover it all up to try and make up
For the lost cause in YOUR life and make it mine
I am sick of all the “advice” you give
This is MY life, I have the right to live
Without a regret or a doubt in my mind
About how it’s supposed to be as a mother and a wife

At the age of twenty, you may think my mind isn’t as open as yours
When in all honesty, this is what I’m trying to prove
That at this age, being who I am now
I’ve got nothing left to lose
So, go ahead and tell me all the things I’m doing wrong
And only see from one side
And believe I have too much pride
In all the words I write and say
But, this may come to your dismay
That if I could, I would shout it out loud
About all the things you say behind my back
And to think I don’t hear the false facts you say about me
And trying to destroy the goodness of my name
You can say what you may, but I ain’t ashamed

I tell it to the world
About my frustrations in life
That’s my way to vent instead of keeping it locked inside
Don’t underestimate or put me in a pedestal
Because I may put on blast the personals thoughts
Doesn’t mean you know me at all
But, out of respect, I’ll give you just this
Instead of the finger to symbolize my feelings for you
I will tell the world, through a note
Saying “FUCK YOU”

Mommy Rant #1

BEGIN RANT:

Okay, who in their right mind would not offer a seat to a mother who’s holding her baby in a car seat on a public bus? And all they do is just stare as the bus starts moving. What would happen if the bus suddenly made an abrupt stop and causes the mother, holding her 4 month old on a car seat, to fling about and perhaps causing some type of injury on either the mother or baby?

This is what I experienced today while I was riding the public transportation. Don’t people have any common sense? Well, anyways, if I hadn’t commented outloud that it was very rude of not ONE person to offer a seat for the baby to be stationed on, I wouldn’t have gotten a seat. It just pisses me off the fact that people are so ignorant and STUPID. If something had happened to my baby, I would’ve sued the whole GODDAMN bus. And I wouldn’t have given a shit.

Now, another thing was the fact that as I was getting off, the people who were also getting off, didn’t bother to help me get off first…like some people would be kind enough to let the lady with a baby through first. Ugh. People disgust me. And yes, I understand I don’t get any special treatment, but it’s just a generous move to do so.

END RANT.

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